


Don't Shut Me Out

by Ravxnclaw



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek (AOS)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Ties Soulmate AU, Insecure Jim Kirk, M/M, POV switch, Soulmate AU, Starfleet Academy, mckirk - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-28
Updated: 2016-11-28
Packaged: 2018-09-02 22:11:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8685289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ravxnclaw/pseuds/Ravxnclaw
Summary: Star Trek '09 Era: Jim doesn't want a soulmate and Leonard married someone who isn't his.Or, a Soulmate AU of how they both joined the Academy.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know anything involved, don't claim any ownership, nor do I make any money off this.  
> I've never written a soulmate AU before so be gentle.

Jim had long decided to ignore the itch in the back of his mind, pushing it off as much as possible. He'd pushed it off for years, numbing it with whatever cheap alcohol he could get his hands on until he couldn't hear it anymore. He didn't want to hear it, to feel the overwhelming guilt whenever he awoke with a splitting headache and the presence within his mind felt especially self loathing, but was unable to explain that it wasn't their fault, it was his own.   
He was the one who wanted to let himself fall, to avoid the person whose consciousness had been lurking in the back of his mind since he turned thirteen, to push off the thought of someone caring for him because everyone who'd ever seemed to care about Jim ended up hurting him.   
As he sat in his bedroom, a bottle of nameless alcohol burning through his throat and palms sweating, Jim felt the presence stronger than he ever had before. It was warm, almost like an embrace and he let it overtake him. It felt safe there, and he pushed away thoughts of his family, his father and mother, both leaving him in their own ways, and his little brother who he'd left to deal with the wrath of their stepfather.   
“Why did it have to be me.” He whimpered pathetically, glaring around the dingy apartment as he allowed the presence within his mind to tingle its way through his brain, meekly creeping out of the corner Jim had shoved it into for so many years. “Sam’s the one who's named after dad, why do I have to be the one that carries on his precious legacy?”   
Taking a deep drink, Jim could feel a question prodding at his mind, but couldn't answer. Whoever they were they wanted to know if he was okay, what was going on, but he didn't know the answer. He just let the warm comfort of their mental embrace lull him to sleep, telling himself that he'd stuff it away again in the morning.   
\--  
Leonard had fully given up any hopes in finding his soul mate by the time he was married to Jocelyn. He'd learned so many years ago to ignore the throbbing pain that resided within him and the guilt that had radiated from it, both his partner’s and his own.   
When he laid down to bed that night his mind felt the same as always; empty, lonely, solitary. He sighed to himself and tugged some of the blanket from his wife, ridden with guilt still when he saw her because of the constant yearning within him for someone other than the woman he'd married.   
Suddenly, it was like the floodgates had been opened. The dull throbbing that his partner had long ago become turned into an overwhelming wave of pain and anger, riddled with grief as they finally let Leonard in, if even for the moment. He didn't dare move a muscle despite the fact that they couldn't see him, not wanting to rouse Jocelyn with his newly found connection.   
He wasn't sure how to respond other than to convey how absolutely overjoyed he was that he'd finally found a way in, despite the pain it brought him. He forced his eyes shut and focused on the feeling of his partner within his mind, aching and vulnerable, mind wide open for Leonard for the first time in almost a decade.   
He wanted to know everything so badly; why he'd been shut out, what was bothering them, why things had changed, who they were. He had so many questions but didn't want to scare them off, to end up boxed away again.   
He felt a reassuring calm fighting through the hazy pain radiating from the other person and sighed, relieved that he wasn't immediately shunned again and reveling in the feeling of his soul mate’s presence within his mind for the first time.   
\--  
After his drunken night, Jim decided he was done ignoring the person in his mind. He'd stopped entering sleazy dive bars with the intentions of leaving with whichever warm body seemed the most appealing, instead choosing to work on cleaning himself up, working on himself mentally and physically.   
As he was fully shaving the stubble from his chin for the first time in longer than he cared to admit, he felt the sneaky tendrils curling through his mind once more. He chucked at the shyness of whoever it was but was stopped when he realized that it was his own fault. For the past eight years he'd vigorously ignored the person with which he shared such an intimate connection, the person who, if he allowed, could feel every single one of Jim’s emotions and share them with him.  
Running his fingers through his scraggly hair he scrunched his nose, wondering when he allowed his appearance to take such a downturn and attempting to convey his apologies as best he could. He knew they were worried, it was the one thing he consistently felt from them that he'd been unable to stifle, and the sheepish way they were attempting to question him made him grin. He couldn't believe his soul mate was someone so shy.   
With a sweeping glance around the apartment he grimaced, and reminded himself that it was all his own doing. His choices had led him to living in manifestation of his own issues, dirty, unkempt and out of control, but he was ready for a change. He threw his bag over his shoulder and reassured himself that his nose had stopped bleeding before trying to convey the first words to his partner instead of just a feeling, uncertain if they'd made it through until he felt the sudden surge of happiness.   
As he left behind the empty space, he knew he could do it. He could join Starfleet and survive.   
\--  
 _Wish me luck._  
The words shocked Leonard awake with a start and Jocelyn sat up, hand pressed to his chest.   
“Leo,” she gasped, but he could barely hear her over the pride ringing in his ears, both his own and the other person’s. He didn't know what they'd done but knew it was big, big enough for him to still be able to feel their mind in his own, spilling over with nervousness and excitement.   
“Sorry.” He muttered, patting her hand as he forced his focus onto the connection.   
“You can hear her, can't you?” Jocelyn realized quirky, her fingers stilling on the skin of his chest. “She finally let you in.”   
“Yeah.” Leonard agreed quietly, not wanting to admit that the voice in his head had sounded suspiciously masculine, but he could feel the distance between them growing even wider than it had been before. “Yeah, happened a few nights ago but it just got really clear.”   
“You should go.” She said with a forced grimace, her voice firm. “You'll never be happy unless you do.”   
“I am happy.” He reassured her, though he could tell she wasn't believing a word he said. “I'm happy here with you.”  
“No you're not, Leonard.” He sat up, clutching her hand to his chest as he felt his partner’s gratitude within his mind. “You haven't been.”   
“I love you, Jocelyn.” He insisted because it was true, he cared for her, loved her, even thought that it would be enough to fill the hole in his chest that had been there ever since the first time he'd been permanently shut out of his partner’s mind.   
“I love you too, Leo.” She said with a watery smile, hand slipping from his. “But I don't think it's enough.”  
\--  
Jim wandered around the small town for a while, stopping to get a drink before he made his way to the motel he'd booked. It was near the shuttle but not close enough for all the gung-ho cadets to get on his nerves the night before he made such a big decision.   
As he sat down at the bar he glanced around, finding himself drowning in a mass of Starfleet insignias from every side. He forced his eyes closed and focused on his partner, disappointed to feel a certain distance between them.   
Anger that wasn't his flooded through his mind and he was shocked, the few interactions he'd had with the other person always being their happiness or worry, some frustration, never anger. He tried his best to direct a question their way but was shut down, feeling as if he'd just been told to shut up and wait his turn.   
After ordering his third drink he finally felt cool pain in the back of his mind, something he was far too comfortable with. He wished there was more that he could do but after so many years of ignoring the other person’s existence he hardly knew what to do other than remain apologetic.   
_I’m sorry, I'm so sorry._   
He thought the words over and over again until he was thinking nothing else, hating the pain that seemed to replace the warmth of their presence. He let his head rest on the cool surface of the bar and broke his chain of apologies to think about what the hell he was about to do.   
He'd bailed on his apartment, his routine, his entire way of life, and for what? To enlist in Starfleet and live up to the exact legacy he'd fought so hard against for most of his adolescent life? He had started to second guess himself when another surge of their connection pulled him out of it.   
They seemed scared, terrified even, but Jim couldn't do anything about it. He wasn't sure what was going to happen to their connection when he was transported to the Academy and eventually to space, unsure of what he was possibly leaving behind, but knew that he had to stop wallowing in self pity. He couldn't drink himself to death before he'd even seen his thirtieth birthday.   
He wasn't sure what caused the sudden strength in their bond but it was amazing, and for a second he let himself wish that they were somewhere close, that they'd found him. He was filled with hope that wasn't entirely his own and smiled to himself, pushing away from the bar after only a few drinks, his mind still ringing with the most perfect voice he'd ever heard.   
The deep, masculine voice had the most wonderful southern lilt in it, lasting only a second but it was enough for Jim to cling onto it as if it was his last breath.  
 _Good luck._   
\--   
With half of his belongings stuffed into a duffel bag and his shoes haphazardly stuffed onto his feet, Leonard left his own house for what could quite possibly be the last time. He could still hear Jocelyn’s sobs as he walked away but couldn't look back, the argument still playing in his head.   
_“Get out, Leo!” She’d shouted, her eyes ablaze with too many emotions to comprehend._  
 _“No, I love you!”_  
 _“You'll never love me as much as you love her,” her voice was cool, meant to spite him and he couldn't help playing into it._  
 _“Him, you mean.” He corrected with an eyebrow raised, glad to see that she was shocked into silence._  
 _“Leave. And don't come back.”_   
_“I don't plan on it.”_  
He wasn't sure where he was going; he'd left the hospital a few weeks ago when discussions of him being interested in Starfleet had arose, but until their fight he'd been content to stay in Georgia.   
He could practically hear the apologies pouring from his partner as he boarded the shuttle, barely able to mutter that he was indeed headed for Iowa of all places. Leonard couldn't hide how utterly terrified he was at the thought of facing the world with nothing more than a duffel bag and a newly found presence in his mind, though he was glad that he'd finally discovered the bliss of the connection so many of his peers has spoken of.   
It felt unreal to have someone else’s warm presence in his mind instead of the cold disconnection that he'd lived with for so long, and he focused on that as he began the multiple hour trip toward the shuttle that would hopefully take him away from his troubles. He thought of the strength it would've taken for his soul mate to actually pass words through their connection and placed every ounce of power he had into reciprocating.   
It wasn't until the shuttle stopped and he stepped off in some little town called Riverside that he really felt like his message has gone through. There was a sudden burst of excitement in his mind and he smiled to himself, glad to finally feel something other than pain oozing through their attempt to cut off connection.  
As Leonard fell onto his rented bed and closed his eyes, he thought that perhaps he was taking a step in the right direction. And if the growing strength in their connection was any proof, he needed to keep going.   
\--  
Jim let his eyes sweep over the small Iowa town once more before he put it all behind him. He strapped himself into the seat and rested his head, attempting to feel out his partner before feeling the comforting annoyance that had become their calling card.   
He closed his eyes and chuckled, glad that he could actually feel the bond between them growing, strengthening even as he sat there. He regretted every second that he'd locked them away because it was growing so rapidly, and was easily becoming something he'd never want to give up.   
“I don't need a doctor dammit, I _am_ a doctor!” A cranky voice broke the quiet murmurings of the shuttle and Jim smirked to himself. Whoever that was, from the annoyed edge in their tone they would get along all too well with his soul mate.  
Jim was still a little shaken at the prospect of entering Starfleet and attempting to fill the shoes his father had left for him, but he finally felt ready. He was ready to face whatever he had to because he was done with Iowa, with the person he'd let himself become, with earth as a whole, and was ready to be among the stars he'd spent so many nights watching.   
“I may throw up on ya.” He heard the same annoyed voice say beside him and chuckled, still feeling the strong annoyance from his soul mate within his mind. He was surrounded by it but was willing to put up with the man sitting next to him as long as he had that connection, the one that felt like a direct line to the person who could be the love of his life.   
After a few moments of considering the words of the man seated next to him for the next few hours Jim decided to introduce himself, but as soon as he opened his eyes it felt like his head was exploding.   
Warmth, anger, fear, jealousy, love, everything flooded him at once when he saw the impossibly swirled colors within the eyes of the man seated next to him and somehow Jim knew. He wasn't sure what to say and fireworks continued to go off within his head as he leaned forward, heart racing when he felt steady fingers grasping his own.   
“Holy hell.”   
There was the hint of a Southern accent, and there was no more denying it. He sat in front of Jim, mouth open with words he wasn't speaking and half a dozen emotions fighting for power both on his face and in the back of Jim’s mind but he couldn't fight the stupid grin on his face.  
“It's you.”  
\--  
“I don't need a doctor, dammit, I _am_ a doctor!” Leonard shouldered past the woman attempting to point out the cut on his cheek he'd received when he'd hastily attempted to shave after waking up late, his stomach already rolling with the fear of flying.   
He pointedly avoided eye contact with anyone aboard, barely acknowledging the man who looked to be asleep before deciding to tuck in next to him. It seemed safe to seat himself next to someone who seemed asleep instead of the young men already snickering about something, no doubt Leonard’s age in comparison to their youth.   
He tried to force back the nausea and annoyance, but was going to lose both battles. He hated the thought of having a nurse look him over for something as simple as nausea when he knew that it was all mental and instead focused on the amused presence within his own mind.   
“I may throw up on ya.” He warned the man next to him after discovering the handsome smirk on his face, but as soon as the words left his mouth he was stunned.   
The sharp jawline, the tugging of lips into a flawless smile, and finally when those awe inspiring eyes opened he knew that it had to be him. The bond between their brains was thrumming with every emotion Leonard could feel fighting within himself at the moment, some belonging to him and some surely coming from the man to his right and he felt like he'd been punched in the gut.   
He was absolutely, without any doubt, drop dead gorgeous. Leonard felt drab in comparison because gods, was the kid pretty. Leonard felt uncertain fingers touching his own and finally let out a breath, unsure of what to say.   
“Holy hell.” He muttered as he grasped the kid’s fingers, half convinced that it had to be a dream, there was no way it had been that easy. Nothing had ever been easy for Leonard, and he doubted that something as monumental as finding his soulmate was going to be as simple as boarding a shuttle.   
“It's you.”  
Oh man, even the kid’s voice was beautiful. It confirmed what Leonard already knew, that it was the same voice he'd heard in his mind, but he still couldn't believe his eyes. The kid’s smile seemed the brighten the whole shuttle and his eyes looked like something straight out of a holovid, too perfect to actually be real.   
“Jim Kirk.” He heard the kid introduce and smiled unsurely, watching those blue eyes flit about the shuttle nervously.  
“Leonard McCoy.” He answered and leaned in closer, grasping the kid’s face in one hand and allowing himself the small indulgence of a kiss.   
It was like nothing he'd ever experienced before, or maybe every experience he'd ever had hitting him at once. He didn't know. All he knew was that Jim’s mind was bright and exploding inside of his own as less steady hands grabbed onto his shoulders, dragging Leonard closer. It wasn't like any kiss he'd shared with Jocelyn and as he pulled back, he saw that same smile that he would give anything to see for the rest of his life.   
Looking at Jim, the blonde, bright eyed boy fidgeting beside him, Leonard found it hard to believe that it was the same person who he'd shared so much pain with for so many years. As he watched Jim’s fingers dancing on his own he couldn't imagine how someone could possibly hurt him, wanting to know how someone could look at those wide, honest eyes and harm such a beautiful boy.   
“Nice to meet you.” He murmured when he felt Jim’s head resting easily on his shoulder, noticing the quiet hum of Jim’s excitement running through his own mind.   
“Nice to finally meet you too.” Jim whispered and looked up at Leonard, though he felt more like he was being examined by those thoughtful blue eyes. “Now, never leave me again.”   
“You're the one that shut me out, kid.” Leonard muttered, earning a nervous smile and a sudden ache of anxiety from Jim.   
“Sorry.” He said quietly against Leonard’s shoulder, his stunning eyes still watching as his fingers tightened surely around Leonard's. “I'll never do it again.”

**Author's Note:**

> Jim Kirk is the master of emotional baggage and Leonard is stupidly in love with him.


End file.
